My Thoughts on Friendship
Friendship.
The thing many of us value beyond all else. The binding agent that makes us feel whole. That makes us laugh. That makes us smile. That makes us care. That keeps us alive. The complex bond between humans that is supposed to mean something.
Mean what?
As I move closer to my senior year of high school, I am coming to terms with the fact that in just over a year I will not see my closest friends for weeks and months at a time. We will spread out across the world when we are used to seeing each other every day. That brings to question the longevity of these friendships that are built on the temporary sense of comfort and proximity. Will they last?
Over the last few weeks the meaning of friendship has weaved through my mind and overcome my thoughts.
How do my relationships with others stitch me together and fill my glass with only the best tasting water?
I think the best way for me to find solace in the unpredictable nature of humanity is to define friendship for myself.
Friendship is a strong word that captivates far too many meanings. We toss around the word “friend” as if it were as easily dispensable as the cash we exchange day to day. There are the millionaires who drop 10k in an hour (in my analogy, these people give everyone the title as friend). And, there are the extreme cheapskates from TLC whose eyes shine at the sight of a penny. These people hold onto every friendship big or small that they have and they don’t go spending them away either.
The word friendship is unfairly defined—given too many interpretations for one word to accurately reflect. The english language is flawed in that way. We need more words for the many types of “friend.”
A few months ago I read How to Be a Stoic by Massimo Pigliucci. How to Be a Stoic has enriched me in more ways than one so I highly recommend giving it a read. In particular, Massimo Pigliucci categorizes the different types of friendships.
Friendship Of Utility- people acquainted with one another, benefiting through some reciprocal advantage
Ex. hairdresser
Friendship of Pleasure- friendship based on mutual advantage of pleasure, not instrumental, doesn’t need to be deep
Ex. friends from common interest or hobbies
Friendship of the Good- when two people enjoy each other for their own sake, these people are mirrors to our souls helping us to grow to be better people
There is no example for this one because when you know, you know
All of these friendships are valuable in different ways, but qualifying each as the same under the term “friend” is a flaw to our language (english) and evaluation of people in our lives. How our friendships are distributed across this spectrum can also reflect upon ourselves. How we distribute our time to these different groups of people, I believe, has an impact on our overall satisfaction and fulfillment in our social lives.
Realistically, we cannot have 100+ friends of the good. We can truly only handle probably less than five. On the flip side, I find myself more fulfilled socially when I spend most of my social time maintaining my relationships with these few people than when I spend most of my social time with the friends of pleasure or utility. Of course all people are different. This is just me explaining my own self reflection as a proud (but still social) introvert.
So, when I look at my life, my occasional discontent with my friendships, I look to see how I am distributing my time. Am I giving more time to those that won’t ever grow to friendships of the good? Am I living a life of simple exchanges that in accumulation are like counting 100 pennies to only have a dollar or in depth dialogue where one exchange is the price of gold?
Eleanor Roosevelt (with the original 3-part maxim attributed to Henry Thomas Buckle) captivates the value of these exchanges in an interesting way:
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”
If I talk about ideas, I am left full and complete; grateful and inspired for the life I am to lead.
If I talk about people, I take in the negative energy of judgement and jealousy. As easy as it is, this method leaves me dry and cold—choosing to avoid the light—causing me to lose sight of what’s truly important.
And the same goes for friendships. I know who my people are when we can together dig deep and speak about more than just “what’s up.
And those people mean so very much to me. They are people I can trust. People I can be my true self around. People I can be vulnerable with and who are open in return. I never used to think I was loyal, but I now think I am. I am loyally dedicated to pushing my friends to be their best self as long as they push me back in return. I am loyally dedicated to loving all the intricate yet glorious perfections and flaws of those I bring close to me. I am loyally dedicated to being grateful to go through life with these people and to watch them grow, while I grow along with them.
